Catching my breath

Hey all.

I know I haven't been updating lately. So much has happened in my life the past three months but I just can't find all the right words for it. Can't believe time flies so fast! I've went back to Malaysia and three months just flew by in a blink of an eye. Now I'm already back in Melbourne ready for my final year.

Ever since I went back for summer, I felt like my whole life has been all over the place. Going home felt great, everything was so familiar and eventhough I missed Melbourne, I was happy to be back with my family that loves me. I was a little upset at first cause my two best friends are not back this time and things won't be the same, but then I thought maybe then at least I'll get to spend more time at home. I thought three months would go by quickly. But then things changed when I got an offer which was the most important thing that holiday - doing an internship. Was torn between two jobs but I finally picked one that I thought would be better and even mummy agreed to it.

Initially I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal cause I worked last year as well and I guess it was good that I could occupy my time with something productive. The first week of work was okay and I didn't mind it, regular hours and still having time for myself. But after the first week when things switched, I felt like a tornado.

Working suddenly felt like a chore. Everyday I dread waking up not knowing what to expect from the day. I pull myself out of bed and struggle to get out to work, and then come back only to go back to bed. Repeat five times a week. Late nights have become a normal routine. The worst is not knowing anything. Most of the time I really don't get what I'm doing and question my purpose there.

I felt awful because I no longer had a life anymore. I felt hopeless because I didn't understood what I was doing. I felt miserable because I am stuck in a place I don't feel at peace. And I felt shitty everytime I finish late, especially if it was for no purpose. Mummy and Uncle Toh have been the best the past two months, fetching me back from work on nights I finish late just because they do not want me taking the train late at night. They'd go all the way to town just to fetch me back to my car in the train station and make sure I drive home safe. I feel even more useless knowing that I'm suppose to be working but am still dependent on people eventhough they are just concern about my safety.

I have been distant from my family and friends. I felt like I was becoming an introvert, constantly depressed. Mummy and I would argue more often cause she felt like I'm not spending time with her on nights I finish early but want to spend time with myself and have my own life. Everything started falling apart and I didn't look forward to life anymore. All I wanted everyday was to go back to Melbourne.

But when I finally finished, I was the happiest girl ever. I just really couldn't see myself going through that again for the next 30 years of my life. I remember my last day, daddy picked me up from work and took me out for dinner. Even he agreed that it wasn't worth it and I could be doing so much better.

Last week was the best week I've had my whole holiday. One whole week of going out, playing, and finally feeling free without a burden anymore. I finally felt like I was having a holiday. And then I suddenly felt more and more reluctant to go back to Melbourne. I've come to realise that I do miss home, but I was only so keen on returning was because I wanted to become a student again. No work, no worries, nothing.

And for the past month, I've been feeling so screwed up thinking about what is to happen after this year. I'm graduating in 9 months and I still have no idea what I'm going to do or where I'm going to end up. Everyone is asking me about my options and everytime I don't know how to answer. People think that I'm so young and can start working at 20, but that's not what I want. Yes I'm young, so shouldn't I be enjoying life first? Or at least take time off to think about what I want? Why do I have so many decisions to make all of a sudden? No one else seems to have to live with this constant worry.

Now I'm back here again, and this is the most homesick I've ever been.
I miss everything about home now. I miss my mum, I miss my family. This was the longest holiday I've had but I barely spent time with them. I felt like I just wasted three months of my life.

Oh God I really hate myself so much right now. And writing this just broke open all my tear ducts and unleashed a tsunami fml.

Ugh. But what can I do, I just gotta keep going strong.
Hopefully things will all start falling to place soon.