Reminiscence

I was looking back at all my old entries on my livejournal and I begin to wonder how much I've changed in the past year.

Forget about all my sappy livejournal posts this year.

Looking back at all my 2009 entries, I've realized that I'm not the same person as I was anymore. People change, but now I'm starting to think that I've downgraded. In fact, I miss the old me. All sorts of emotions overwhelmed me as I went through my 2009 archive. I compare to how I blog then to how I do now, and I can see the difference instantly. I used to not care about what I say and I couldn't be bothered about how people judged me. All my entries previously were all full of everyday high school nonsense and so LAME! Gosh, I miss my lameness the most! I cannot remember the last time I was as lame as I was back in high school! :(

Most importantly, I was true to myself back then. I was genuinely happy. All I looked forward to everyday was laughing and entertaining people with my lameness. There was no need for faking emotions.

I miss laughing without feeling my heart ache. I just want to go back to where I can laugh whole heartedly. Now, it seems like I'm starting to care about what people think. I become inferior towards myself. I get cautious with my words, and I even find myself saying things just to please people but hurt myself. Looks like I'm in denial most of the time. Worst of all, I find myself constantly plastering a smile. At the end of the day, I can lie to the whole world, but I can't lie to myself.

Sometimes I can't help but to be disgusted with the look of the reflection of my image.

Seems like I don't even know what happened and who I've become.

Not only am I lying who I am on the inside, but on the outside too. I don't think I can get anymore plastic than this. Dyed brown hair, make up, and iris enlarging brown lens. Fake hair, fake face, fake eyes, mhmm.

SPM days -- the best times of my life.

I miss my jet black hair and frameless specs ♥

I need to move on.

I can't stay stuck in reverse.