Sigh.

3.05pm

I can't believe this. I'm sitting here in my EPM lecture typing this on my iPad. Surprisingly I'm concentrating in class for thr first time today despite so many thoughts racing thriugh my mind. I'm such a girl, even my brain can multitask, mehhh.

X


4pm

Done with lecture and am waiting for workshop at 5pm. Sitting outside enjoying the weather, rethinking my thoughts and eating a chicken wrap which i believe is going to give me cancer cause the waiter microwaved it with the cling wrap on.

Anyway, i have had so many thoughts recently and have been feeling pretty down.
I just Skyed Zhi this morning before class and i dont even remember what i told her. Im not even sure if she understood what i was saying cause i felt like i was merely blurting out rubbish. I dont even think i understood what I told her!

I have never felt so down without a reason before.
I guess this semester has been really a big challenge and strugle for me. My subjects are not easy, I'm feeling stupider by the day, and worse still, I have no purpose in life.

Sometimes I wonder why am I studying what I'm doing now. I always ask myself "am I in the right course?" Honestly, I can't picture myself working as an accountant for the next 40 years of my life. I know it's a bit too late for me to change my mind to decide what I want to study now. I look back and see so many of my friends changing majors and changing course halfway through their study and I never understood why they would do that, but now I'm starting to. But no I'm not going to give up now, I wouldn't even know what I want to do if i were to quit, I can never possibly do that to my mother, and I would be such a hypocrite to myself.

Probably I'm just saying this cause I reflect on my results and see that I'm not as bright as a lot of people. Which is a surprise because this never used to be a problem for me before. Heck, I was a terrible student all the way till PMR. I failed my Sejarah test in Form 2 and I was just an average student. It was only in Form 3 after I started to get serious amd went for tuitions that I did study and was at least a B student.

I always thought that I would keep that up throughout the whole of my studying life. I got 6As in PMR, and eventhough I wasn't the best student in Form 4 and 5, I still did okay or at least a bit above average. Even in college, at least I understood what I was studying and exams made a lot more sense than it did now.

I was just telling ZY my "zaman kegemilangan dah lupus". Over here, I'm surrounded by overachievers, scholars, and high expectations. But I just can't do it, it's not the same anymore. Wei Ling and I were talking about this before and we see people with such high expectations, scoring 70s average and already feeling like a failure. I've fallen to the stage where "i just want to pass". I have asked so many people but am still not feeling any better. One more year to pull through. I don't know how I'm going to make it.

That's the end of my study woes.
Next up; spiritual attack.

Yes i realise i have a lot of problems.
Seriously, mid life crisis here! I think im really going through an identity conflict with myself ;(


Aud out x