Self searching

I just got back from driving class, and here I am, sitting in front of the laptop, thinking of better things to do and still procrastinating with my unfinished work. It's another one of those days where you just want to have time for yourself alone, to sit down and think.

Every now and then, I'd tell myself that there are so many opportunities to look out for in life. Am I missing out on anything?

I can see that I've changed. Rewind that tape of life, and you can see two completely different people from one year ago and the person standing here today. I look in the mirror, and I'm shocked at the image of my reflection. I ask myself, "Who is this girl?"
Sad to say, I've been in denial the whole while. And today, I've finally realised that I don't even recognise myself anymore.

What happened to that girl in the past that used to be so carefree and light-hearted? "See one step, take one step". Didn't days go by faster back then? Weren't things easier? I sit here and look back, recapping about the past and I guess its true, people change overtime.

I realise that I'm not as strong as I was before. I hate the fact how little things upset me, and I have no control over my emotions anymore. It's funny how I can say one thing and mean another without noticing it myself. Time to time, I even doubt myself. I've come to the stage where you get tired of failure after failure, disappointment, and frustration, that you just can't be bothered anymore.

I remember back in Form 2, someone inspired me with a quote by Mahatma Gandhi. He said that "happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony". Maybe it's true. How can I be happy when what I think, what I say, and what I'm doing currently are all contradicting each other?

Sometimes I wonder, why am I still plastering a smile when I know that it's not working? I can deceive the whole world, but at the end of the day, I can't lie to myself. All you can see is laughter and cheerfulness, but truth to be told, behind all that lies a completely different story.

I must be a great actress. I've succeeded in bluffing myself.